Battle Matchups. At last.

Who hasn’t thought or fantasized over classic battle matchups?

No holds barred fights until only one is standing – good, healthy fun.

A snake versus a mongoose, Lady Gaga versus Britney Spears or one of your teachers against one of your parents.

Mongooses can be vicious critters and have a high tolerance to snake venom. Bad luck snakes.

Gaga is arguably in better physical condition but Britney does have a lot of pent up rage to let out. A fascinating matchup, even money bet.

When it comes to teachers or parents it’s the usually the quieter ones who are capable of unleashing violent fury. Beware the much-maligned science teacher who lives with his parents. He also knows a thing or two about anatomy weak spots.

While everyone has matchups they’d love to see, we’ll stick to the famous ones – real or fictitious.

Some are almost too close to call, however there can be only one winner.

There are basically no rules.

Combatants will start facing off, unarmed. From there, it’s up to them.

If someone turns up expecting a bare-handed brawl and the other produces a rocket launcher, then that’s just unfortunate.

Place your bets.

The Terminator (Terminator 1)  VS  The Predator (Predator)

A mouth-watering heavyweight clash if ever there was one.

A menacing, monosyllabic cyborg up against a sadistic alien, whose horrific acts were matched only by a horrific hairstyle. “Bald with dreadlocks please,” he presumably said to his predator hairdresser.

Laugh at your peril. The Predator was around 220cm tall and killed his time by skinning people. Charming.

The Terminator was equally brawny at 190cm and 110kg with a penchant for leather pants and running over kids’ toys. Prankster!

Both took some killing. The Terminator was shot umpteen times, run over by a truck, burned and hit by pipe bombs. Like a psychotic dog with a bone, it kept coming.

Only when it was crushed by a hydraulic press did it ease up, until the next movie that is. The Predator was having a great day out in the jungle, hunting and devouring terrified soldiers at will. A monstrous beast with a taste for human flesh and equipped with all the latest laser guns and radar.

Embarrassingly though, Arnie knocked the Predator over with a piece of wood and it opted for the slightly cowardly self destruction option.

Verdict: The Terminator was socially flawed but never bled. When the Predator was wounded by a stray bullet, Arnie calmly said, “If it bleeds we can kill it.”

They did and so can the Terminator, walking through gunfire to choke the Predator with his stupid dreadlocks.

The Queen (the real one)  VS  Helen Mirren (the one who acted as the real one)

A dignified, elderly English rose versus Prince Charles’s mum. What a battle!

Both are adored by many, both are no strangers to the limelight and both would secretly love to give someone a good kicking. Trust us.

Mirren played Queen Elizabeth in the brilliantly titled The Queen in 2006. Mirren was actually more convincing than Elizabeth herself, which no doubt irked Her Majesty big time.

How would they fare?

For starters they’re in great shape. Queen Elizabeth is 95 and showing no signs of dy…er, retiring.

Mirren is younger by about 20 twenty years and has off shown her action chops in largely forgettable thrillers like Red. Playing an assassin, Dame Helen expertly handled machine guns, pistols and knives.

Handy stuff, but acting.

This we feel, is the deciding factor. While Mirren can certainly act tough, the Queen is the real deal.

She’s seen some stuff. Lived through a World War, a palace burning down and most of her children disgracing themselves in some shape or form. Laughed it off.

Elizabeth is no stranger to blood sports and has cheered on the mauling of many a hapless fox.

Real stuff.

In the matchup, Dame Helen would come steaming in with some well-rehearsed moves but Her Majesty would be on horseback and could effortlessly avoid Mirren’s feeble efforts.

She would then knock out the acclaimed actor with a handbag full of crown jewels – they’re heavy.

Verdict: No director around to shout “Cut!” for Helen. Queen Elizabeth will outlive her son, her grandsons and Helen Mirren. The lady is a survivor.

John McClane (Die Hard) VS John Wick (John Wick

It was great fun to cheer on the Johns as they handed out thoroughly deserved ass kickings to dozens of largely Eastern European undesirables.

John Wick was allowed to be as violent as he liked because some fool killed his dog, which is worse than killing a human in movieland.

John McClane won us over with his deadpan New York banter. You’d share a few beers and some belly laughs with him at a barbecue.

Keanu’s John is a proficient killer. Hands, feet, knives, guns – whatever works. The kind of guy who was probably an orphan living with his dog and was trained to kill by a kindly ex-hitman at the age of eight. You know the story.

Not big on the chuckles but holy cow he was effective.

Bruce’s John wasn’t as slick but got the job done due to his toughness and quick-thinking. Choking a terrorist with a chain, shooting someone through a table – a results man.

Verdict: John McClane can take a punch, a kick and even a bullet. The only problem is that John Wick can deliver a choke, a stabbing, a shooting and a decapitation. Simply too much in the bag of tricks from Mr Wick.

At least McClane will die with a final sardonic zinger. Perhaps, “Shit, looks like there ain’t gonna be a Die Hard 6” or something.

Sarah Connor (Terminator)  VS  Ellen Ripley (Alien)

Two tough, battle-hardened gals who don’t suffer fools, Terminators or aliens.

The similarities are uncanny. They’re physically strong, smart and perhaps most importantly – resourceful. They also look very appealing with torn clothing while packing a weapon.

Just being honest.

Let’s compare.

Ripley took care of umpteen alien pests, usually on her own as all others were inevitably killed. Typical useless, loud-mouthed men.

Sarah only saw off four Terminators (at last count) but to be fair each one had to be killed at least fifteen times.

Sarah Connor did get help from Arnie a lot of the time however Ripley also fought the Queen Alien in a robotic fighting suit, which you and I could do.

Both loved weapons and didn’t need long to get their heads around new hardware.

Don’t worry, they had their soft sides. Sarah was devoted to her whining son John while Ripley loved a cat.

In the end it comes down to ruthlessness.

While Ripley was probably deep down relieved to see some of her crewmates gobbled up, she also did what she could to protect those on her side – anyone who wasn’t an alien basically.

As for Sarah Connor, she had no hesitation in sending Arnie the nice Terminator to his demise in a vat of molten steel. Yes, it was to ensure future terminators couldn’t be replicated but after all he’d done to help her it did seem a tad cold-hearted.

Verdict: Sarah’s veins are icier than Ripley’s. She’ll do whatever it takes.

Steve Jobs VS Ghandi

How ridiculous, you might think – Ghandi is the most famous pacifist of all time.

We beg to differ. While he was famously against resorting to violence, Ghandi had his moments, don’t worry about that.

As for the meditative and creative genius that was Jobs, the man was prone to tantrums and if you disagreed with him you’d soon be cleaning out your desk. Apparently, our lawyers have advised us to say.

Although we know Ghandi as the inspirational leader who led India to independence from colonial rule we shouldn’t forget his dark side.

The Peaceful One was all for unifying Hindus and Muslims until his son dared to fall in love with a Muslim girl. Behind closed doors Ghandi flew into a rage and forbade the marriage. Tables were probably thumped and voices were almost certainly raised.

Non violent indeed.

Steve Jobs was influenced by the beautiful simplicity of Zen Buddhism and this was expressed through his product designs.

He also showed incredible perseverance in pursuing what he knew would be products people could actually love.

Such perseverance is also crucial in bloody fights to the end.

The man has real brawler potential.

Verdict: You’d think a Hindi pacifist facing off against a Zen Buddhist software genius would result in the dullest fights of all time. Not so. Jobs wouldn’t be able to help himself and would cajole Ghandi into purchasing the latest iPhone 12 Pro, which Ghandi would grudgingly do to maintain the peace.

As Jobs then proceeds to ramble on about the phone wizadry, Ghandi would compare the price with his friend’s android.

The leader of India’s independence movement would suddenly turn very pro-violence. In a blur of walking cane and fists, the Apple CEO would be out cold for some permanent meditation as Ghandi then orders a new Samsung Galaxy.



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